So often, the most worthy pursuits are often the very ones requiring the most inordinate amounts of strength, patience, diligence and fervor. And, let’s be honest, those are traits that are just NOT inherent to human nature.

When you reach the point where you begin to putter out, how do you keep the engine running? How do you find your inner “refresh” button and press it before you succumb to a very resolute capitulation?

Seriously, I need to know. I need to rediscover my inspiration. I truly think I’ve misplaced my muse, and need to find it – quickly!

As I was enjoying a particularly hearty vehicular vocal session today, a thought struck me.

Ever since I started performing regularly (about 13 years old), I have striven to conform my voice to what I thought a particular audience wanted to hear.  I have tried copying other artist’s styles and tones.  I have evolved and adapted my sound to accommodate others’ expectations and preferences.  For example, if I knew my dad was in the audience, I’d sing more in the style of old Broadway, because that is how he knew me as a singer.

There are two items about this that are interesting:

1) The fact that I’m a vocal chameleon of sorts is actually very telling in terms of the range of my abilities.  I’m extremely versatile, and I think that’s a good thing.

BUT

2) Being so versatile has prevented me from cultivating my own, distinct sound.  At this point, I am not in a place where people could hear a recording of mine and recognize the voice for mine – because I sound different all the time!

It comes down to this: I need to stop worrying about what others think and prefer and start singing FOR ME.  Whatever that makes me sound like.

Why the fuck did it take me 15 years to realize that?!  I feel like I’m wasting so much time!  D’oh!

Things have been quite hectic.  And, I really hate the cliche “update” blogs that consist of a long list of “shit I’ve done lately”, but I simply cannot resist bringing you up to speed.

We had our gig at the Newport.  It fuckin’ rocked (pardon the “fuckin”).  We performed in front of about 300 people, who screamed and danced and cheered the whole time.  Afterwards, the band was interviewed by one of the local news stations, which I found to be of particular badass-ness.

Work has been a whirlwind and, unfortunately, I have allowed myself to get caught up in the daily grind and not be as focused on what I need to achieve to be happy.  I am trying to discipline myself to get back on track and stay committed to my goals.  I am in the midst of writing a series of original songs, which I would like to record in the studio this spring so that I can release my first original CD this summer.  That’s a tall order, but I know I can do it.

In other news, I have had several auditions for films (awaiting casting decisions), one of the band’s guitar players quit today, I am contemplating re-learning the guitar so I can play some acoustic sets at local bars/coffee houses, my novel is nearly ready to circulate with potential literary agents, I am planning a Miami getaway in April, I desperately need to buy new bras, and my dog just racked up $1,000 in veterinary bills for the month of February.

So yeah. Been crazy. Good to be rejoining the blogosphere, though.  :)

I’m actually very excited to share that starting today and going through Valentine’s Day, for every ticket sold to our first gig on 2/20, my band will be donating $1 to the American Red Cross for Haiti relief.  How can I not be excited about this?  We’re both promoting our gig, and actually contributing to a larger cause at the same time.  It somehow eradicates some of the vanity and self-indulgence associated with something as self-serving as performing with a band.  Other than making me feel happy and fulfilled, this gig wasn’t really doing much else… but now it is!

So, this is my little brainchild – my small attempt to kill two birds with one stone.

Because I’ve had a vicodin to dull the pain in my (probably) sprained foot (again, another story…) and because I am feeling especially contemplative tonight… I have to wonder if my attempt to marry the Haiti cause with my need to push tickets to this gig is STILL completely self-serving.  Think about it: I did it largely to minimize the guilt I was feeling from being so blatantly self-serving about the gig… so if my aim was to make myself feel better about my intentions… isn’t that also completely self-serving?

Further, is there any such thing as a totally selfless act?  Most of us do good deeds to feel better about ourselves (at least in part), or to fulfill some inexplicable obligation to partake in exercises that contribute to a better bottom line for our communities.

So maybe in trying to NOT be self-serving, I actually ended up right back where I started?

Hmm. Does it even really matter, so long as we’re helping and the Haiti victims benefit from my self-serving-ness?

Ahhh!  Could argue this one ’round and ’round all night!

That being said, American Idol is back.  Ugh.  Why are we doing this to ourselves for yet another season, America?!  The truly sad part is that I will watch every minute of it… relishing the contestants that I know I could leave in the dust vocally, and loathing those who possess the courage I so blatantly lack to pursue their dreams.

American Idol, for me, is a nagging reminder of my inability to act when presented with the right opportunity.  Several years ago, a college friend of mine was road-tripping it to Detroit to audition.  I could have - and should have – gone with her.  But, uncontrollably afraid of failure, I stayed behind.  And have spent the last 5 years wondering.

Truth is, if I had gone on my own without telling anyone, and the judges told me No, I could deal.  What I absolutely am not mentally or emotionally equipped to deal with is disappointing those who believe in me.  People tell me I should audition for Idol – that I would make it to Hollywood no problem.  It’s not just about the singing, though.  It’s about the look (which I don’t have), the personality (which I am lukewarm on) AND the singing (which, if I psyche myself out, I would surely blow like Lindsay Lohan in a sea of dicks).

These people have every faith in me - for completely unfounded reasons… and I would have to come out and deliver the bad news and tell them I wasn’t good enough and it would be awkward.  I would feel their pity wash over me like a torrential rain that beats against your skin, trying to soak you down to your bones so you’ll never forget how it feels.

Sometimes I think I’m more articulate and thoughtful when I’m drunk.  But tonight, maybe not… ha!

Thank you for indulging me… if anyone is reading this…

I’m not sure what has got me in this funk.  In theory, things are going great for me.  @TreyKauffman is back on board with the novel and seems to actually have his shit together this time around… the band has a monstrous gig in 5 weeks (at which I will be looking delicious and sounding sublime)… I have several acting auditions lined up for February… so what is my beef?

If I really think about it, and am really honest with myself, I believe it boils down to one key character flaw: impatience.  I want what I want and I want it now (how very Veruca Salt of me!).  When I have to wait, or when I don’t see the progress I’d like, I become very irritable.  Such is the case with my singing, acting and writing pursuits.  I guess I’m just incurably antsy.

What really gets me hung up about it, though, is that these are fields where you must be patient, and persistent, and extraordinarily resilient.  If I’m really honest with myself, I know that I don’t possess any of those qualities.  So, the odds of making it in these industries are stacked against me!  Curses!

I lack the follow-through to leverage social media tools to my advantage and network… I lack the tough skin required to take criticism after criticism and keep moving forward… I am so very much ruled by fear… more so than desire.

I think, deep down, I somehow know I won’t make it big.  I can’t decide if I’m okay with that, or if that’s the root cause of this rampant irritability. 

I mean, really, who wants to live a life of insatiable pursuit?

I have mixed feelings about this rehearsal.  We actually had no major snaffoos – the band sounded great and I feel like we’re in a great place to perfect all of this over the next 4-5 weeks.  But, the fact that I was so incredibly exhausted is concerning.  Even when the band turned down, I was still struggling to be heard and to balance a good, solid sound with a compelling performance (i.e., moving around the stage, engaging with the audience, etc.).

Now, I have always been a runner, a swimmer and a dancer.  And, I’m a pretty tiny girl.  I am in reasonably excellent shape.  Yet I still struggled with this!  It’s so frustrating and, quite frankly, entirely frightening.  We’re going to have three record labels there – I can’t F this one up!  Starting tomorrow, I am going into overtime training – lots of cardio to build up my endurance!

As if the music rehearsal wasn’t enough, I am trying to crank out several important deliverables associated with my novel tonight.  I’m suffering from some severe creative cramping and writers’ block.  I have hit the wall – I am physically and mentally spent!!  I’m hoping that the 20-minute break I am taking to jot down this entry and catch “Secrets of Aspen” on VH1 will clear my head and help me knock this out.

Side note: Secrets of Aspen is idiotic.  I am literally watching some snooty debutantes bitch about who wore whose clothing.  Oh, to live in a world where that was my biggest concern!  Although, I think I’d have to be about 100 IQ points dumber to qualify as a resident of the “elite” comunity of Aspen.  Seriously, they will let any turd have their own reality show now, won’t they?! 

Oh, reality TV… so bad, but my greatest vice!

Also the date of my band’s first gig.  We are playing at Newport Music Hall in Columbus – one of the city’s largest venues.  We’re playing in a showcase with four other bands.  And, actually, we are playing first, so we’re the openers’ openers’ openers’ openers (or something like that).  But still – the Newport!  This is where U2 played their first gig in America, believe it or not!

Not only will we be playing on one of Central Ohio’s most impressive stages, with some of the best local bands, but…

*wait for it*

Atlantic Records and Mercury (Epic) Records will be there.

!!!!!

Granted, they will be scouting two of the other bands we are playing with, but who cares?!  This is still a huge opportunity for me and Click to Play to show everyone what we can do.  If I can just manage to get the attention of one of those A&R’s, then doors will begin opening for me.

February 20.  About 6 weeks.

I just weighed myself at the gym today… and I didn’t like what I saw.  Over the holidays, I had gained 4 pounds.  D’oh! 

Oh hell – for transparency’s sake, I’ll just come out with it.  I weigh 134 now.  Which is a size 6.  Which, by Hollywood standards, is chubby.  If I’m going to go out there and look my best on stage and impress anyone, I’m going to need to shed some poundage.

I’ve never been one to succumb to society’s unrealistic standards for women… so I think a slight trimming will do.  Six pounds should do the trick – slim me down a bit without making me look emaciated.  So, that’s a pound a week, until I reach 128.  For a girl that is 5’5″, that’s about right.

Let me backtrack for one second and say that I can’t believe I am even writing about this.  I am a bit ashamed that I am trying to mold myself to a standard set by someone other than myself.  But, this gig is a big deal – with bands that have been recording and performing for years, and with A&R’s that know their shit.  I have dreamed of being a singer since I was 6.  What if this is my only opportunity to see that dream come to fruition?  I don’t want to risk blowing it for ANYTHING.

So.  Commence Operation 1-2-8.

But, it’s also a tremendous opportunity at a second chance.  A chance to do better, to feel better, to live, love and learn better.  And, let’s be honest, who doesn’t appreciate a free “do-over”?  In a world where we have no knowledge of or control over what the next day holds for us, we can, with near-absolute certainty, know that we get to try again.  And while each day is really an opportunity to start anew, there is something momentous about knowing you have achieved this milestone of making it through a year, looking back at what you’ve accomplished over the year, and making decisions to alter the course of your life for the year to come.

I traditionally do not make resolutions.  I ongoingly set and achieve and reset goals for myself.  Doing so in a formal-type of ritual at the beginning of the year, I think, negates my quest for continual growth and improvement.  At the turn of the year, I am not “turning over a new leaf” like so many others, but simply continuing what I’ve been doing in a more focused or fulfilling way.  I don’t want to change things about myself (like losing weight) - I love the way I am!  I just want to experience and achieve things that will give me a broader perspective on and greater appreciate for life.

But this year, I am stating 5 things that I hope to achieve by December 31:

1. Complete a sprint triathlon
2. Find someone to publish my novel
3. Act in an independent film that is entered into a film festival
4. Write enough original music to put out my own CD
5. Buy a house

A quick note on progress… it’s important to nudge each of these along, bit by bit, day by day.  To me, these are lofty goals.  I refuse to allow myself to succumb to feeling overwhelmed.  I need to focus on just keeping the ball rolling on each of these items. 

There is a big difference between living IN your dreams, and LIVING your dreams.  Here’s hoping that 2010 is full of the latter!

Details around the concept are being refined, so I’ll have to keep them under wraps for the time being.  But we are looking to have our concept submission packet ready to send to agents by June, with the goal of securing an agent that will quickly find us a publisher who can dish out a lovely little “signing bonus” so we can get paid to write.  Ah, the dream!

Sure, it sounds easy enough but the truth of the matter is, neither of us know WTF we’re doing.  This process could take a lot longer and be far more complex and dramatic than we can imagine.  It’s a bit scary, navigating completely unchartered waters (ew, I hate using cliches like that, but it fits)… I’m not sure how I feel about this, to be honest.  It’s exciting by nature of being something new.  But getting a book published has always been a dream of mine, so I’d hate for my inexperience here to hurt my chances of succeeding.

I suppose it’s not really a one-shot deal, though.  If I somehow manage to F this up the way I do every other important endeavor in my life, then there’s always another chance, right?  Life is full of second, third, etc. shots.  Isn’t it?

My brain is telling me this is correct.  But there’s some part of my heart that can’t bring itself to believe it.  I feel as thoughI have pissed away so much time already, pursuing OTHER people’s dreams for myself, that I just might only have one shot at a killer book deal before it’s time to open the baby factory.

An aside on the baby factory: I will have you know, dear readers, that I will never be a stay-at-home mom.  Not because I am selfish and won’t love my children enough to sacrifice the rest of my life for theirs.  But because I want my kids to have a role model that takes every opportunity to chase their dreams.  Life does not end at marriage – at children – at becoming an empty-nester – at menopause – at death.  No.  I refuse to accept that.  And if any of you SAHM’s want to begrudge me for that choice – go right ahead, but I know I will be happier and more fulfilled if I continue to work, sing, act, write.  I will be a better wife and mother if I don’t constantly regret foregoing my passion projects for the sake of others.

*Steps down off mini-soap box.*

What the hell was this blog about?  Holy hell, I’d better work on maintaining a stronger focus to my writing if I have any hope of getting published!!